May 30th, 2004 §
Remember how I said I was going to be hitting bottom before getting better?
Yeh my car was hit yesterday night on the way to the beach. Long story which I dont want to get into. I’m fine and the car is ok, just has a dent behind the driver side passenger rear door. The people in the other car were ok. There’s a long story behind it all but again I don’t want to get into it.
Got to the beach and Ali started giving me dreads. They are AWESOME! Not finished yet, but still awesome. The hippie queen I know kinda was like WTF. This was after me telling her that I’m going to be one of the first hippies not on drugs. I think it can be done. I mean you don’t have to be high to be free spirited and happy . And that’s what I need right now, to be less stressed and well happy. If someone wants to stop that because its not fitting the stereo-type, than you are well mean.
Ha sorry I’m a being just as mean. I’m tired, and still upset over the car. It’s a month old. hmph.
As well as trying to figure out crap with girls and life. bah.
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something
Hold on
Feeling like I’m headed for a breakdown
And I don’t know why
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be…me
I’m talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they’ve all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I’ve lost my mind
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
I’ve been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they’ll come to get me
Yeah, they’re taking me away
But I’m not crazy, I’m just a little unwell
I know right now you can’t tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you’ll see
A different side of me
I’m not crazy, I’m just a little impaired
I know right now you don’t care
But soon enough you’re gonna think of me
And how I used to be
Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I’m just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I’m just a little unwell- Matchbox 20
May 28th, 2004 §
I’m going to go tuesdays to the doctors, get some drugs.
May 28th, 2004 §
Seems like I’m letting the world down. Makes me not wanna be in this world almost. I think I have to hit the bottom before I can get back up. Good thing I’m almost to the ground.
Sorry guys.
May 28th, 2004 §
One thing that sucks about democracy. It’s everywhere! Especially bike shops. I went to my old, old shop. The owner has become a controlling asshole . I only dropped by to see my old buddies and the owner was like out of work area you’re causing distractions..
WTF. Stupid men..
Things are just getting worse for me. Maybe its because I’m finally letting things hit me full force. I’m sad, upset and more than that disappointed in myself. What the fuck am I doing. I thought things were bad and now they are badder. Things should work out, thats how life is right? I keep trying to tell myself that. Keep telling myself that actually.
Maybe my thoughts on how to live life are all wrong. Maybe this isn’t who I should be. Hell maybe I should be a doctor, it doesn’t feel like I should be here. Yes I am happiest on the bike, but who said happinest is life? That’s what I thought but hell I have been wrong alot lately.
Maybe I’ve lost my mind. I seriously think I have. Seriously.
God fucking damn it.
May 27th, 2004 §
Wow it’s been a long time, I’m trying to remember how to do this…
Things are going all wrong
All the stupid thoughts making me mad
Things are needing to be
Why does it feel so wrong
Who have I become
It doesn’t feel like me anymore
Remembering so many thoughts
All the love that was
Now who is their to blame
Life is what you make it
This place, life isn’t right
A ghost is what I have become
Making it harder on everyone
No one deserves this
Remembering so many thoughts
All the love that was
Now who is their to blame
May 27th, 2004 §
I’ve always liked this song, and it always seems to fit things in my life well.
Darling are you feeling
The same thing that I’m seeing
The troubles of the day
Took my breath away
Took my breath away
Now you’re no longer talking
And I’m no longer listening
There’s nothing left to say
Said it anyway
Said it anyway
And I want you not
And I need you not
I’m dying
Cos this is the saddest song I’ve got
The saddest song I’ve got
Darling are you healing
From all the scars appearing
Don’t it hurt a lot
Don’t know how to stop
Don’t know hot it stops
Now there’s no sense in seeing
The colours of the morning
Hold the clouds at bay
Chase them all away
Chase them all away
And I’m frozen still
Unspoken still
Heartbroken
Cos this is the saddest song I’ve got
The saddest song I’ve got- Annie Lenno
May 27th, 2004 §
I’m back in MD. Life has truely totally changed in 48 hours. I mean fully. I’m in MD, things are alright but well not well. It was good seeing my friends but they didn’t make things change. I think things will get better. I hope so atleast. I dont think I could handle much more.
May 25th, 2004 §
Guess who’s moving to back to MD?
Me.