Arsbars.comThe Real Arleigh Jenkins

Here we go…

Tomorrow’s the day, buckling down, eating right, and being permanently cold until March.

Well here’s to biking..

Pre-Season 2005 It’s coming.. and I, as usual, don’t know if I’m ready. I never ever stick to my training, unless I’m basically belted down to it by a coach.

It’s dishearting, yes. I always have been stubborn about life, about pushing others to do things… ya know always the leader? But when it comes down to it, I can’t do it for myself.

Remember for my birthday I had a post about things about life. About things I want to change… well this is one of them. Doing this for myself… this has to be one of the best things I could be doing for myself, and I just have to keep reminding myself how to do that.

Now to only figure out how to keep reminding myself. Training logs never have worked, neither have nice ass bikes… I need to find it, inside…

Yeh this is huge gut wrenching post, but I have a day to psych myself up to do this. To have my ass back in shape by March. Even if I’m not racing, I want to be in shape to be able to if I wanted.

Barely any sleep last night. Went to bed at 2:30am, only to be woken up at 8:15am. bah. I need more sleep than that.

Heading to Philadephia to look at another shop, we shall see how this one pans out..

Crazy things life can bring. How fast emotions can over take you, and then as a light… switch on or off.

I found a great job up near NYC. Great opportunity, and pay, and bla bla bla. I thought it could be the one, but then the more I thought about it, the more I realized it wasn’t going to be my bag. I wasn’t ready at 20 to make that type of career move. Wasn’t ready to make a move all over again. My heart wasn’t in it, my gut was wrenching everytime I thought about it. I was teetering for a day or two, and it was make or break on one thing, and that one thing didn’t happen. So I took it as a sign and decided it wasn’t it. I wasn’t ready to move 4 and half hours away from my family again. I wasn’t ready to leave home, and I wasn’t ready to give up everything for a job, a career move as one would call it. On top of that a fight with the gf. We’ve only ever had two fights, and both have been about me moving. It sucks, and I know I need to stand my ground. To let myself feel the way I want to feel, but god damn.. women turn on those tears and you want to give them everything and anything just so they will stop and feel better.

I think all that broke me. The hopes being so high for life, being dashed by no one but myself. I was on a rollarcoaster that lost it’s tracks, and now I’m not sure what is up or what is down. I havent been broken in awhile. Not like this. Normally I wake up the next morning and all is well. Now I am a zombie. I worked my normal shift, drove home, and now I’m here.

I’m an emotional wrecking ball right now.

I gave me away

I could have knocked off the evening

But I was lonelily looking for someone to hold

In a way I lost all I believed in

And I never found myself so low

And you let me down

You could’ve called if you’d needed

But you lonelily got yourself locked in instead

Unicycle madness… holy crap

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